A SATURDAY NAME

by
Allan Wilson

I’m ripping the road right up, taking advantage of this car’s fat fuck engine but then I remember why I’m driving here in the first place and slow. Right. Down. My dad only let me borrow it so I could go and break the news to my Mum and Billy. He’s never let me take the car before. This is his baby. His cars have always been like a kid to him but this is something he wants more than his car, me going up to say this to them.

His face when I told him I’d made my decision, don’t remember him ever looking like that. He stood up and put both his hands on my shoulders and looked at me all serious. “Why have you decided this now son?” He was adding son to the ends of his sentences for fuck sake. I felt like I was talking to somebody acting the part of Dad. I told him why. “Well the thing is son, I am your da. Me. Not anybody else. And you should have my name.” I noticed a bit of spit come out his mouth when he emphasised should. It landed on my chest. “You were born that way and it’s who you are, that’s something that they can ever take away from me.”

“Aye Da’ I know that. That’s why I’m doing it.”

“It should never have been taken away in the first place and I said that at the time, but your Mum, she’s a stubborn woman,” he paused, smirked and let out a puff of air from his nose “she always was”.

“Well they just did what they thought was best dad, know. I mean, this is hard for me, I’m used to being Charlie Macintosh.”

“But you’re not Charlie Macintosh. You’re Charlie Burns.”

“Aye but at school and that Dad. I’m Charlie Macintosh. Charlie Burns is like a Saturday name.”

“A Saturday name! What, is that how you think of me? A Saturday Dad?”

And then he got defensive.

“What are you suggesting? That I’m not a good Dad? Why are you choosing me then?”

“I’m not saying that, and I’m not choosing anybody. I’m doing what’s right.”

“So you’re not choosing me then? Have you even thought about how much this will change things? Even if you don’t know that you’re choosing me, I can tell you, you are. You’re choosing me for fuck sake. You know you should be choosing me.”

And here we go again I thought. Dad vs. Billy, Billy vs. Dad. Seconds out ding ding. A twenty year fucking war. “Look Dad...” I started but he must have seen the familiar tired look on my face and stopped me. He’ll have seen that look on the face of a crying toddler, on the face of a daft wee boy, a moody teenager and a now this. He slapped his hands back on my shoulders again. “Listen Charlie I’m sorry for shouting. This, well, lets just say it means a lot to me, know. Just take the car and do what you’ve got to do. I won’t say anything else about it. Oh, can you bring it back tonight though so I know you’re both safe.”

I’ve parked the car in the driveway at my Mum’s. Billy’s car is sitting is parked in front of me. The lights of this car are shining onto Billy’s and it’s as if they’re staring down each other throats. I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes. I felt fine the whole journey. I’ve felt fine since Tuesday when I sat down with Lily and told her that I’d made my decision. When I told her she was relieved that I’d decided one way or the other. I know it will take her a while to get used to, saying that she’s going out with Charlie Burns and not Charlie Macintosh. She still meets people from school now and again and up until now she’s said “do you remember Charlie Macintosh from school? Well yeah, he’s my boyfriend now. We started going out just after school. Yep, four years now, I know.” So I don’t know how that conversation will go from now on. She’ll probably just say the same words. To people in school I’ll always be Charlie Macintosh, good old Charlie Mac and I know my mates will always call me that. A name says a lot about a person. When I think ‘Charlie Macintosh I think me. I don’t know who Charlie Burns is, he’s just a name on a passport and on a VISA card and on a driving license. The man doesn’t exist. When I think Charlie Burns I think of a happy wee boy running about thinking he’s He-Man. A wee guy who says words like pure class and gallus and is fucking loving learning how to swear. Charlie Burns loves Campbell’s meatballs and sugar puffs. He’s a chubby wee boy. He calls his cock his tinkle and doesn’t even think of wanking. Instead, when he’s in the bath, he holds the tip of his tinkle tightly shut and does a pee pee until his willy expands and expands, filling up with pee and then he lets go so it mixes in with the bath water and he laughs dead dead loud. Charlie Burns calls from the bathroom to his Mum and Dad and tells them to come through and close their eyes. His dad sits on the closed lid of the toilet pan and pats his knee where his mum goes and sits on top and then they close their eyes. Charlie, he does the pee pee trick again and shouts ‘Open!’ and they look just as his willy’s ready to burst. Then they tell him off and say not to do that cos he’ll hurt himself but they leave together and he hears them laughing together, in sync whilst they walk away. That’s Charlie Burns. I’m not Charlie Burns.

I’ve got to square myself up, I’ve got to just take a deep breath and do it. Or maybe I don’t. Maybe I can just go up the road and do this tomorrow. Take them out for lunch. Yeah, neutral ground would be handy actually, no chance of them having home advantage. If Ricky and Sarah came in it would be even harder. All they’re gonna think is that this is some personal attack, like I’m choosing my dad over my family, that I don’t think they’re my real brother and sister but it’s not like that, I just want to do what’s right. I slide the car into reverse. I feel better now. I’ll go home, sleep it out. A new day goes hand in hand with a new name anyway right, they always go together. Aye right. I’m sneaking the car out the driveway but I see a blind slip open from the living room and peeking out it’s my Mum. Her eyes light up and the blind closes, shaking back into place with the rest of the blinds like a wee happy family. She’s at the door now and I switch the engine off. Smile Charlie, smile.

“Well this is a pleasant surprise” she says walking towards the car. “You never said you were coming up.”

“Aye well I didn’t think I had to call to tell you I’m coming up to my own house” I say. Why am I being such a dick?

“No. I know you don’t it’s just that you normally call before you come up.” I wonder if she even knows it is my dad’s car. Billy’s coming out behind her now.

“Wahay! Nice wheels big guy!” he’s smiling. He comes right up to the car and he’s bending over checking out the tyres. He caresses the bonnet, the mirrors, the spoiler.

“Seems in good nick chief. Is this why you’re up? You wanting me to check out the new wheels? Why didn’t you tell me you’d decided on one? I’d have come with. Or did you want to make it a surprise? I don’t blame you, it’s a cracker!”

I wish he’d stop talking so I can tell him it’s not mine. Stop him getting any prouder.

“A few years old mind” he’s saying “But I suppose that’s how you afforded it. You’ll have to keep an eye on it though.” His square jaw is making a shape as if his mouth is ready to say ‘Ooooh ya beauty’ but he stops speaking and just admires. He’s still got that dark hair that he had when he first met my Mum. His hairs the same colour as mine. Ever since I was wee people that didn’t know Billy wasn’t my Dad always told us how alike we looked.

“It’s not my car Billy.” I say. Then I add “I wouldn’t go getting one without taking you with me, you’re my eyes and ears when it comes to that. Plus I’m still saving.” Hopefully that will soften the blow.

“Whose motor is it then?” he asks but as he’s saying it his smile is falling and by the end of the sentence it’s like the penny’s dropped and his mouth’s just kicked shut. He pulls his hand off the bonnet of the car as if it’s burnt him.

“My dad’s” I tell him and he closes the car door like he can’t even look at it anymore. Everything goes quiet. There’s nothing moving. It’s like the whole world’s avoiding this awkward silence.

“Aye well, not a bad car.” he eventually says. “But me and you right, we’ll get you a better one at the auction.” and he’s smiling again.

“Right” I say but my unconvincing face must look like his unconvinced face and I’m wishing a stranger would walk buy right now to tell us how alike we look. I look away to the street. No luck and when I turn back round Billy’s walking away towards the house and my Mum’s saying “come on in Charlie, Ricky and Claire will be glad to see you. You can tell us all your news.”

© Allan Wilson
Reproduced with permission