ROTTEN TOMATOES

by
Hollie Wyllie

It was last week when I found out I had the little fucker inside me. Already assuming the worst I had lugged the Yellow Pages and the phone into the bathroom with me. My suspicions confirmed by two blue lines, I started leafing through the A section straight away.

Abortion Care was first on the list- that one would do, and within ten minutes of the test result, I had scheduled a termination. Not a chance was I having his baby.

The wait till my appointment was hell. For four days I had to bear the little maggot squirming in my tummy, growing bigger, sapping the life out of me like a leech. I could imagine it bursting out of my belly wrinkled and slimy, like something out of, “Alien”. Thank god I had enough Christmas money left over to pay for private; I’d have lost it if I’d had to wait on the list at family planning.

The waiting room at the clinic was nice. Warm and clean, but the strong smell of disinfectant and pristine white walls made me feel even dirtier. Contaminated.

They gave me a form to fill in. Casey’s big sister was 18 so I used her date of birth to avoid any problems- then I decided to use her name and address too, just in case they sent me letters or anything. I was stuck trying to remember Casey’s postcode when a lady called out my appointment number.

I’d pictured the doctor’s room as being really scary, full of plungers and pickled babies but it was much nicer than the GP’s, they even had flowers in the window. Taking a seat, I slid my form across the desk towards the doctor and asked if I could please have the tablet.

She looked up, and asked me if I wanted to speak with a counsellor before I made any decisions. I told her I didn’t, that I just wanted to get the tablet and go home. She smiled at me and gave me some shit about it being a big decision, talked me through all the options, did a bunch of tests, said something about the weather being good and then finally 30 minutes later handed me a little box.

“Take one of these just now and the other in 48 hours, okay? And if you have any problems, need any assistance, anything like that- just call the clinic straight away,”she said, getting up to fetch me a glass of water.

I took the first tablet and told her thank you, then got out as quickly as I could, crossing the road straight away in case someone saw me there and told him. Even if he didn’t put two and two together he’d still batter me for not being at school.

I clutched the box tightly in my pocket as I walked home, I didn’t know it took 48 hours, I thought it would just be one tablet, I thought it would happen straight away. I grabbed my tummy and twisted it round in my fist. I didn’t want to wait. At least I knew the first pill would be working away. It reminded me of when Eddie was still here and we used to go out into the garden and pour loads of salt over a slug really slowly and watch is skin shrivel up and it flesh turn to foam. I always said it was cruel at the time.

I took the second pill a little early. I didn’t want to risk him coming home from work and finding me so I got up at 3.30 in the morning to do it then went back to bed. I’d been dreaming about mum when I woke up with shooting pains right at the bottom of my tummy. I didn’t know what time it was, my mouth was dry and I wanted water but I couldn’t move. It felt like someone had driven a thick, blunt blade into me and was twisting it round and round tangling up my guts.

Knowing I’d have to make it to the bathroom I hauled myself up off the bed, I shouted for him- the house was empty. Using the wall for support I stumbled through the hall and collapsed onto the toilet, my t-shirt clung to my skin, cold and wet with sweat. I pulled down my knickers and my head sank between my knees, my nails digging into my stomach, pressing into the dull, gnashing pain.

I looked at the bathroom floor, it was disgusting this close up. I wished I was back in the clinic, clean and fresh, with the nice doctor to wipe the sweat from my head, a million miles away from this hovel. Nothing had ever hurt this much before. Nothing he had ever done to me had caused as much pain as this. It was as if the little shit was grabbing fistfuls of my insides, clinging on to them, trying to stay inside and ripping chunks of me out as it lost the battle.

I must have passed out because when I opened my eyes, the pain had stopped. Grabbing a handful of tissue I wiped myself dry and stood up. I peered into the toilet at the strange mixture of blood and dark clots. I tried to look for a baby, but it must not have been that big.

I pulled my knickers up and walked into the kitchen. I rummaged around in the cupboard under the sink until I found an empty jar and the bleach, then scooped the blood and little bits from the toilet bowl into the jar to keep them safe. I had to clean the whole house- it would have looked odd if only the bathroom had been done and I didn’t want him asking any questions. I could feel blood still seeping out a little and leaking through my pants and I was so weak and dizzy that I kept thinking I might pass out…but at least then he would believe me when I said I’d stayed off school sick. I could blame it on women’s troubles.

He’d left a fiver on the kitchen worktop with a note saying “Make supper. Will be home at 7”. It was only half four, I still had plenty of time to cook something. I managed to get the ingredients for Spaghetti Bolognese from the shop round the corner. I was too sore to go anywhere else.

Laying the bags on the table, I went back through to the bathroom, picked up the jar and brought it into the kitchen. I held it up to the window and studied it in the light before tipping it into his best pan and bringing it to the boil.

I was standing over the simmering pan when he came in. He came straight through to the kitchen and wrapped his arms round my waist, pressing hard into my bum.

“Hi baby, what’s for tea then?”

“Spaghetti Bolognese,” I replied and smiled at him over my shoulder, “how was work?”

“Lovely, good girl, work was fine. The house looks tidy, did you stay off school or something?”

“Yeah dad, I hope you don’t mind, I had a really dodgy tummy. It cleared up a bit by the afternoon though so I thought I’d give the place a once over.”

“What would I do without you!” he said and planted a wet kiss on my neck.

I spooned out his dinner while he sat down at the table, took off his shoes and loosened his tie.

“Aren’t you having any?” He asked me as I lay his plate down in front of him.

“No dad, my tummy still feels a little funny.”

I watched as he filled his mouth with a forkful of the sauce.

“This tastes funny Maeve. How old is the mince?”

“I just bought it today,” I replied and began filling the sink up with hot soapy water.

“The tomatoes must be rotten then,” He said, shovelling forkfuls down his greasy face anyway.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I plunged the empty jar into the foaming basin, and watched the last of the mess disappear.

© Hollie Wyllie
Reproduced with permission